Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
