sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
