I am puke
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
