Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
