Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
