It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
