You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
