Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
