I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
only you would photoshop your dick
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
