Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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