There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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