why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
