You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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