if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
