I just threw up on my dentist
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
