Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
