we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
