I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i love accidental penises.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
