you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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