I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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