idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
