My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
