so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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