Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
