I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
