Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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