didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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