guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
