I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
