i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
