you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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