Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
