The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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