We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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