Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
