my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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