The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
