Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
