I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
