I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
