it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
