Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
