Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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