I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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