he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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