I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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