It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I need water and some morals
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
