I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
