All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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