I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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