look no pants
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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